Funny....At home mammogram

I saw this recently...funny.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn�t effective enough.

Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!

Breast Exam Poem

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month...


Breast Exam Poem (I didn't write this, but it sure is funny...)


For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.


So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.


After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump.


"Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts" she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine.


She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!


My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.


Excruciating pain I felt. Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!


"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.


"There, that was good," I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Lord have mercy I was praying.


It squeezed me from up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide!


If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, "ker-pow!"


This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how they come out!