That damn apple ...part two

( This article begins in our August newsletter and is continued here)

Some of you might remember my thoughts from the article Will That Damn Apple Haunt Us Forever?. I experienced a similar situation recently. I debated whether or not to include this story in the newsletter, not wanting to offend those involved or come off the wrong way, but I said eh, screw it, and went for it anyway. There is a company, who I shall not name because to be honest they have been very good to us in the past, and I genuinely believe they are good people. This company basically helps students find instructors of all kinds, from guitar to salsa. They provide profiles for the instructors and when a prospective student chooses to contact an instructor, the company sends the instructor all the info about that student and then charges that instructor for the lead, usually between 4-7 bucks. Anyway, I have been using these guys for a couple of years. They started small and have been very upfront with their clients in their process of running the site and learning from their mistakes. Everything they did had such a personal touch. I had even had drinks with them here in NY.

However, last week I received this email from them.

Hello Kimberly,
I am writing you today to let you know about changes here at *****.com.
First, I wanted to thank you for your membership. You are respected and appreciated. You have been with us for a long time and we are sad to inform you of these necessary changes. Recently, our company signed distribution partnerships with ABC Family, Active.com Family, and Disney. In the course of these agreements, we have been asked to more properly align ourselves with a family-friendly atmosphere. Unfortunately, as of Monday, we will no longer be supporting lead generation for exotic and pole dance classes. In a perfect world, we would be able to list all types of services, but in reality, we will not be able to.
I truly believe that the services you provide are of great benefit to women and their confidence, and applaud you for running a wonderful business.
On behalf of the entire **** team, we want to personally thank you for your patronage since you've been a member, and we sincerely hope your business continues to flourish.

I wrote back, very angry...

First, let me say that I realize my thoughts, being one of thousands your company has touched, are trivial. But the subject matter is not trivial to me. It has spearheaded my company and my passion, so I absolutely feel the need to simply share my thoughts. I also want to say that I admire you all for creating a business and going through the trials and tribulations so openly with your clients and for always making your clients feel special and valued. However, that being said, I am outraged.
My disappointment in this news is indescribable, especially since I have been using your site for years, through changes in site, and even name. Time and time again, I have been either pushed away, kicked out, or shunned for what we teach. For some reason our classes that teach women how to feel comfortable with their bodies and their curves, to look in the mirror and not feel fat or not beautiful enough are not OK. But other classes are. Ballet, which leads almost every girl it touches to battle with her body image and turn to anorexia...that is wholesome? Who decides what is good and what is not? ABC family? A company that still reeks of parochial Christian bigotry from its previous owners?
Granted, these classes may not be appropriate for an 8 year old girl, but does that mean they are bad, or vulgar? I mean, I get it, I do. I know we walk a fine line. But it just grates my nerves that once again we take a step back. Once again, we are classified as smut instead of empowerment.
I wholeheartedly believe that until our society opens itself up to the possibility that frank and open discussion with our families about sexuality and body acceptance (ie there is nothing wrong with touching and appreciating our bodies) can be beneficial to our families, then we will continue to live in a world where the fear and shame that surrounds this subject perpetuates eating disorders, sexual disorders, and sexual assault on said families. And it is, better yet was, people like you who stood up for people like us that helped to make this an accepted and positive form of movement and expression. And I'm saddened and deeply hurt to see

...CONTINUED FROM THE NEWSLETTER...

that you have changed your views.

From the article on your site about strip tease classes by J*** ***: Across the country, instructors listed with **** have seen their class sizes grow over the last year; all those contacted share philosophies of positive reinforcement, openness to all body types, and policies against teaching stripping to enter the sex industry.
http://www.stripxpertease.com/2007/01/will-that-damn-apple-haunt-us-forever.html

So then they wrote back....

Hi Kimberly,

I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate you as a person and as client. You’ve been with us for a long time and I appreciate your openness and feedback. We are not classifying any particular instructor or type of dance as smut, it’s simply that there are more and more kids and their parents on the site. We ARE getting more and more 8 year old girls on the site. The parents are not looking for themselves – they are looking for their children, and thus, we cater to what the market is demanding. If mom wants to take exotic dance lessons, I think they should. I’ve actually encouraged **** to take some as well as I thought she’d like them.

While on a political and social level I agree with you, our business decisions are not made on social or political factors. At the end of the day, my job is to ensure the continued, long-term success of the enterprise, and the decisions are made from a capitalistic ideology. If the demand was such that we could have our entire site filled with just exotic dance teachers – and that format made us more money – then we would boot all the families off. But that’s not the case. So again, I wouldn’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with our personal, political, or societal views. It’s where we need to go in order to grow the business. If there’s anything I can personally help with, just let me know. I would be happy and honored to help any way I can. You are a rock star in my book and I will do what I can to support you.

Best,
*****

So what does this all mean? Well first, his letter made me feel like an asshole. They really have been nothing but nice to me, but dammit I just couldn't not speak my mind. So I wrote back once more.

Hey *****,

I am sorry for my hasty and very bitter response. While I understand you simply made a decision to further your business, and your decision to discontinue the leads wasn't based on your personal convictions, it deeply affects mine. As I mentioned, I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. It's just something I battle with on a daily basis, and I have to shout out how I feel. Even if it falls on deaf ears or doesn't change the situation. I hope you understand. I really do wish you all the best of luck, And I although I loathe the company you have taken up with, I realize their pockets are deep. I hope that they can propel you to the success you all deserve for all of your hard work. Really. Either way it was nice working with you....best of luck.

Best wishes,

Kimberly

I needed to be nice, ya know? Part of me feels defeated, yet part of me doesn't. This just fuels the fire. This makes me realize I will have many more of these tiny battles. Many more situations just like this one. But each time I will learn something, each time will strengthen my convictions and each time will bring me closer to the last time. So the good fight goes on...And if I am being shunned by Pat Robertson's old company and people who are over the top excited about The secret life of the American teenager, then big deal. Women who want to make a change for the better, who want to freely explore their bodies and their sexuality in a positive and fulfilling way will find me with or with out ****.com.

Virgins or whores

AGAIN!
Its the whole we are either virgins or whores thing.
This guy at the local pizza shop flirts with me. One day he asks me what I do. I tell him and instantly he changes, and he talks about it...loudly, in front of these two guys at the counter. Their looks change ...they look at me like ...yeahh baby, show me your tits. Its a little gross. I think, what, because I teach striptease classes I am a insatiable sex queen who can't wait to put your dick in my mouth? Cuz that's the way they are all looking at me. Gees! Is this the reason so many of my clients can shout about class from the rooftops? It the looks...from men!
It is so upsetting to me that so many men in this country are so sexually starved that they behave this way. And it might be our own fault!! We are raising our sons to be ashamed of sexuality and sex and all that goes with it. Other countries don't have this stigma we do when it comes to sex. WHY!?!
If we all just admitted that it is perfectly natural and !good! maybe pizza boy pete would have said oh, that's cool...you want pepperoni? Instead of letting his tongue hang out all over my slice.
Listen up boys, women are changing...we are becoming more aware of our bodies, our sexuality, and our feminine wiles. There is a middle ground. We can be sexy and still not sleep with you on the first date. Just because I took a striptease class doesn't mean I am loose. If I have a porn or two, it doesn't mean I am a porn star. It just means that we we do have sex... I will be open to new things, new experiences, and it will be better for us, because once I am comfortable with my own sexuality then I can relax and let go and what happens next will be amazing...for both of us.

Will that damn apple haunt us forever?

Will that damn apple haunt us forever? Are we doomed to forever be shameful of our bodies and our sexuality? Are we forever doomed to keep hitting our heads on that glass ceiling? I sure as hell hope not! But something happened last week that definitely left a large goose egg right above my forehead. And I knew right then and there what to write about. NO SHAME! MORE POWER!

There is a lovely studio I rent from in Austin (one of a few). I absolutely love it! Their prices are reasonable, they have double mirrors, the entire building is the studio so there isn't overlapping music or students, and the woman who runs it is sweet as pie. I LOVE it! Unfortunately, she has to move on to bigger and better things in life (I wish her the best!). The story is, this guy is taking over the lease and all the sub-leasees will just rent from him instead of her. She tells him about StripXpertease in an email and I think, all is good. I email him to rent space and he won't return my message, so I contact him again. He finally calls me back and proceeds to tell me that he cannot rent space to me. I felt my heart rate increase. I try to maintain a polite tone as I ask him why. Although I already knew. Sure enough, it is because of what we teach.

I was shocked! Why, why, why, I say. He goes on to say that the "people" he is in business with are in the "public life", and "well we all know how the media can be." He says the "media" might get hold of it and make it scandalous. Scandalous?!?! I said there is no nudity; we aren't having S-E-X in the studio, what is the problem? He was like a broken record. Everything I said, he gave the same response. Public life, media, blah, blah, blah. I said what is the difference between what we do and salsa, tango. Both equally romantic, exotic. But the record played on. He said he understood, it was just his "partners." Yeah, right. I hung up... defeated.

The question I kept asking was what is the media going to say? Don't they support it? Story after story about pole classes at crunch, and striptease in mainstream. Even OPRAH has featured it on FIVE of her shows. The fact is, it isn't the media, it is people. People afraid of their own sexuality. Their own desires. Their own flesh. Afraid of women running around naked in the streets with red lipstick and our boobs bouncing around thrusting the world into total chaos where societies crumble and Howard Stern becomes a demigod.

The truth is, until the world says it's OK for women to be sexual and sensual and appreciate their bodies we will continue to hit that glass ceiling with a resounding thud. I am disappointed, but not surprised that there are still backwoods men and even women closing their doors to the still struggling feminist revolution. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of! There is nothing wrong with the classes we teach and the message we share. That all women have the right to feel sexy without shame.

It is shame that causes problems in the bedroom. So shamed we can't open up and look at each other, try new things and relax and feel the joy of intimacy. It is shame that many religions instill when they preach s-e-x only for reproduction. It is shame that parents instill when they talk about s-e-x with wide eyes and furtive glances. It is shame that makes women withdrawn and cold in the bedroom. Why is that we are either whores or virgins. Why can't we explore and express without being chastised?

I could go on and on about how angry I was, how hurt, how disappointed. But it won't change the fact that that jackhole feels the way he feels. But you don't have to. No matter what you believe, or what you stand by, your body is your own and a blessing to have. There is nothing shameful with exploring it and loving it. We are women and our bodies and our sexuality hold a deep and potent power. A power to change our lives for the better. A power to stand up tall and be proud of our curves, our breasts, and our full lips. Imagine how much more fun we would have if we didn't have to hide the fact that we are taking striptease classes. Imagine how much more fun we would have in the bedroom if we weren't afraid...afraid of trying new things, afraid of what he might think, afraid of what our bodies look like, afraid we won't measure up. Imagine how much fun we would have if we used our sexuality a little more to get what we wanted when we wanted it. Imagine how much more fun we would have if we could walk into a "toy" store and but a vibrator or two with out feeling our cheeks flush. Imagine how much fun we could have if we could tell him no, that is not really how I like it. Imagine how much fun we could have if we could wear that really short mini to work without the boss sending us home. Imagine how much fun we would have if we could share these thoughts with our best friends. Ah, imagine.

"We live in a society where s-e-x is somehow shameful and should not be talked about - but we use s-e-x to sell cars. That is backwards. Human sexuality is a blessed gift to be honored and celebrated not twisted and distorted into something demeaning and shameful....Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test. Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief - a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force." -Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Soul